Why did God give me a cheater?

Q: I got married to my high-school sweetheart. He was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. We grew up in the same community and our families knew each other very well. We grew up in church and we are both Christians. We are happily married and successful. We have raised the children properly and they are making significant contributions to their companies and communities. However, to my surprise and shock, I recently discovered my husband is a cheater and, in fact, has a child outside the marriage. And, the mother of this child is the same age as our daughter. This is causing a serious problem in our family. His relatives are disappointed in him. I am wondering why God allowed my husband to cheat and why God gave me a cheater since he knows all things? I am hurting and confused and not sure what to do!

A: It is natural to be hurt and confused by your husband's infidelity. Obviously, you did not expect it and perhaps there were no indications that it would happen. This is a major new development for the family. Not only the fact of the infidelity, but also the consequences of the unfaithfulness to you, the family and his relatives.

Both of you will have to decide if you want the marriage to continue. Is he still in a relationship with the mother of the child? Does he want to have both of you and to have simultaneous families, or will he choose her over you? You will have to decide whether you want a divorce, based on his unfaithfulness and the fact that you discovered about the child and he did not volunteer the information. If you decide to continue in the marriage, you need to determine under what conditions and how he will earn back your trust. He would need to repent of his infidelity. This kind of messy situation usually needs the intervention of a family counsellor. His willingness to attend counselling sessions is usually a good indication whether he is still interested in a committed relationship.

Furthermore, you now have an extended family and there has to be a system to deal with how your children will relate to the other child and how your husband will play his role as father and also pay the bills related to the upbringing of the other child. Sometimes, children from the marriage can so detest a child outside the marriage that there is bitterness, hatred and anger. Some resentment should be expected but, nevertheless, they are siblings and your attitude and comments can help set the tone for a cordial relationship between your children and the child of the other union involving your husband.

You should not blame God for the actions of your husband. He is the one who decided to engage in an extra-marital affair. Your husband is not a robot made by God in which God would prevent him from cheating. You need to hold your husband accountable for his actions and not use God as a scapegoat. Neither should you feel that an all-knowing God would be aware of such minute details decades before your husband would cheat.

The important fact, whatever your Christian understandings and beliefs are, is that your husband did a stupid and wrong thing and he needs to answer why he did it. It could be that he is going through mid-life crisis. It could be that your marriage is stagnating. It could be that he is selfish. It could be that he has been a cheater all the while, but this is the first time you are discovering. You need to have a candid discussion with your husband and try to analyse what happened, then you determine the way forward and seek God's help in determining the new pathway.

Contact the counsellor at editor@gleanerjm.com.