Erecting a dildo fence

David Smith, Guest Columnist

In Jamaica, it is illegal to erect a fence made from dildos. If you are caught, you can be fined up to $10 and the offending fence will be removed. The same law makes it illegal to build a penguin fence within a town. The Towns Nuisances Prevention Act was written in 1887 and is still in force, even though neither of these laws makes much sense today.

I used to wonder what the problem with a penguin fence was and how you could get the penguins to stand still long enough to make a fence from them, but I know now that the penguin referred to in the act is not the sartorially resplendent Antarctic water fowl but a type of macca pronounced 'pingwing'. I leave the reader to find out what a dildo is.

The language of some of our old laws is not their only problem. Many of the penalties are outdated, or the original reason for passing the law is no longer relevant. We have a number of old laws on the books in Jamaica. Some need modification, some translation and some should be repealed. We don't repeal laws much in Jamaica; the Ministry of Justice only lists 21 repealed laws. It's much easier to ignore them.

Repeal outdated laws

Many of our laws are no longer enforced, and not even the police or judges remember them; but if we are not going to enforce a law, it should be repealed. Having laws (old or new) on the books which nobody pays attention to breeds a casual attitude to the whole body of law, and in any case makes it difficult for a Jamaican citizen to know which laws to obey. This is important, since in Jamaica it is illegal to:

Buy a second-hand bicycle after 6 p.m.

Use calumnious language.

Receive a bicycle for repair from someone under the age of 16.

Shake the dust from a doormat after 8 a.m.

Buy, sell, or exchange a second-hand bicycle except on licensed premises.

Marry your ex-wife's sister or your brother's ex-wife while your brother or ex-wife is still alive.

Change the shape, colour or form of a second-hand bicycle, except with the written permission of a superintendent of police.

Get married after 8 p.m. or in a building with the doors closed.

Ring a doorbell or knock on a door without lawful excuse.

Disturb a religious service.

Loiter in public and solicit anyone for prostitution.

Ride or drive furiously.

Sing profane, indecent or obscene ballads.

Fly a kite in the streets, lanes or squares of any town.

Empty a privy except between 10 p.m. and 4 a.m.

Keep pigs in your front yard.

If we are to take our laws seriously, they should be modernised. The current debate about whether Sections 76,77 & 79 of the Offences Against the Person Act of 1864 should be repealed or modified often fails to recognise that the important sections of that act are better addressed by the Sexual Offences Act of 2011.

The 2011 act is better written, freer of male bias, and the terms are clearly defined - all the things that the 1864 Act isn't. It protects boys and girls and women and men against rape and sexual assault and, if properly enforced, will keep all our children safe from sexual predators of either sex or any sexual orientation. What it does not do is make private sexual acts between two men illegal.

The 1864 law came to Jamaica from Britain when the original law against 'buggery', written in the 1500s, was modified to remove the death penalty. The male bias of the legislature in 1864 is probably the reason why the Offences Against the Person Act details the kind of sex that men can't have, but ignores women.

The gentlemen of the Commons and the Lords were probably unaware that women carried out sexual activity without a man present and so didn't bother to regulate it. As a result, homosexual sex between women in Jamaica is perfectly legal.

Women can legally use a dildo to imitate precisely those abominable actions which are prohibited to gay men and straight married couples. In fact, a lesbian in Jamaica can do anything she wants with a dildo, except make a fence with it.

David C. Smith is and environmental scientist. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and inbox@consultjamaica.com.