Decoding men

Here is the second in our three-part series.

With the book Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man, Steve Harvey one of the Kings of comedy, Steve Harvey, has made it onto the New York Times best-sellers list. It's easy to see why. It offers practical advice about men from a man.

In the second section of the book, he decodes men, explaining why men do what they do. He stresses that, first things first, he wants to sleep with you. When a man comes over to talk to you, he is not interested in your personality. He has two things on his mind: will you sleep with him and how much it will cost, or if he can get it on credit. "He just wants to know if he might be able to sleep with you, and he's talking to you to determine exactly how much he has to invest to get what he wants."

Harvey is not talking solely about monetary cost. He's referring to the woman's values. Will he have to wine and dine you, call twice each day, send you flowers etc. You have to let him know upfront what your requirements are or he will think he can get you with little effort or decide that the cost is too high and walk. If he does, then as Harvey puts it, "you can cut through the riffraff."

He equates it to sports fishing. Men are hunters by nature, but it's not the man who decides if you're a keeper or a 'sportsfish', it's you. That is decided in the first minute of the conversation. "When a man approaches you, you're the one with total control over the situation - whether he can talk to you, buy you a drink, dance with you, get your number, take you home, see you again, all of that." But Harvey makes it clear that, if a man is not looking for a serious relationship, nothing you can do will change his mind. You need to let them know what your standards are. You need to let them know how much you appreciate a man who shows up when he's supposed to and calls if he's going to be late, and that you don't have casual sex. You only have sex with someone you're in a serious committed relationship with. These, Harvey notes in the book, are acceptable ground rules.

Women can identify the men who are keepers or who are just sports fishing. if he keeps offering excuses why he can't meet your friends or family. If he goes to the family barbecue or a social event where he will be introduced to family and friends and co-workers, he might be a keeper. If you never meet his friends, family, co-workers, or other people who are important to him, he's sports fishing.

Mama's boys

Harvey puts it bluntly, mama's boys are your fault. You allow them to be. If you don't have any rules or don't set them out early in the relationship, guess whose rules he will follow? The ones of the woman who changed his diapers and cooked his favourite meal just the way he likes it. To get over this, Harvey advises women to tell men the rules up straight. "Men cannot read minds, and we are completely incapable of anticipating what you want, so you have to speak up."

Why men cheat

The million-dollar question. What Harvey makes clear in this chapter is that when a man cheats it does not mean he doesn't love you. Men don't view sex like women do so, it means nothing to them, it's just a physical act. They can come home have a shower and act like it never happened.

But some of the main reasons men cheat are: they think they can get away with it and there are always women out there willing to cheat with them.

With all the problems that women have with men, Harvey makes one thing clear: women have a lot of power to limit the things that happen to them.

Next week, he let's the secret out of the bag in the final segment The Playbook - how to win the game.

nashauna.drummond@gleanerjm.com