Blended family: Making it work

Krysta Anderson, Gleaner Writer

Blended families, unique in their own way, are never easy. It was international actress Jada Pinkett-Smith who pointed out that, when she married her husband Will Smith, she knew his son Trey was a part of the package and she was prepared to love him. By extension, she also had to learn to love the most important woman in his life, his mother, and that she did, creating one big happy family.

We see this trend locally among entertainers such as our certified diva, Tami Chynn, who in marrying Wayne Marshall has loved and cared for her stepson Giomar Mitchell who she refers to as her bonus boy as if he were her very own, while still maintaining a good relationship with his mother, Regina Beavers. It is, therefore, safe to say that blended families can indeed work for those families who want to make it work.

Happy home

This week, Outlook had a chat with Keneil Hinds who expressed that she grew up in a happy home, as her blended family continues to make diligent efforts in providing financial and emotional support for each other. She explained "I live with my mother and stepfather, and my half sister was born when I was four years old."

According to Clinical Psychologist Dr Kai Morgan, "A blended family is a family that includes at least one non-biological parent and their offspring (for example, a stepfather and his child from a previous relationship, the mother and their child together). Many different combinations and permutations exist, of course."

Morgan noted, "Blended families work when there is great insight, patience, and sensitivity to the needs of all involved, and when the two parental figures are the clear heads of the household, the family members are appropriately aligned. Plus, the children involved have the advantage of having sometimes three to four parents to rely on in times of need."

The 18-year-old highlighted further that she has had no relationship with her biological father, and has declared her stepfather as her rightful parent, "He is my father, just not biologically. Like any child, he or she has disagreements with the parent. It was the same for me. People might even say he spoils me. I have always felt like his, I was never left out."

As far as the relationship between her and her half sister goes, it is quite normal as far as she is concerned, "While we are completely opposite, and we argue from time to time, when it is time for us to get along, we do." And her mother, she says, is one of her very best friends.

Hinds revealed that, in her opinion, some blended families fail, not because of the fact that it is indeed mixed, but because of the reluctance of those individuals involved in these families. "Some people go into the family with heavy hearts and personality conflicts. If they would learn how to live with each other, then things would be fine. Blended families are just like nuclear families, people just look in from the outside and judge blended families because they are different."

Blended families, the psychologist asserted, does not work sometimes because it is a very complex arrangement and emotional sensitivities may run high or some residual feelings about biological parents and their lack of a union may still linger. "If you are failing in a blended family, take a step back and carefully analyse the reason why this is failing. Are you attuned to the emotional issues that the children are going through? What are your attitudes towards the children that are not biologically yours? Do you treat them as your own? Do you honour and respect their biological parent despite any ill-will he or she may bear towards your partner? Do you honour and respect that parent when dealing with his or her child?" asks Morgan.

Morgan listed six useful tips in dealing with the issues of blended families:

1. Take your time with the children, as too many changes in too short a time can predispose them to resentment.

2. Get to know the children in a timely manner, and don't feel guilty or remorseful if you don't love them immediately ... love takes time to grow. Remember, you don't know them well just yet and, like your own child or children, they will have strengths and weaknesses.

3. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page with how you intend to parent these children.

4. Don't allow anyone to put you in a corner or in a position to have to make a choice. Refuse to make that choice and insist that you want both sets of people in your life.

5. Treat each other with respect. They may not like you or you them, but respect is paramount.

6. Be careful with how you set your expectations. You may be anxious for this to work and excited, but this is a work in progress and a journey to undertake. It takes time for the 'blended-ness' to really take on a life of its own and to work effectively.

krysta.anderson@gleanerjm.com