Sat | Mar 24, 2018

Kelly's World | Santa, mi have an excuse!

Published:Monday | December 11, 2017 | 12:00 AM

Yow, Santa, what a gwaan? Everything bless up? How Rudolph and di reindeer dem? Hear say Blitzen hoof did a gi him likkle trouble, him good now?

Anyway, hear the thing. Mi have a few things pon da list yah enuh, pawdie, but I know your policy about being a good boy.

So I have a compromise. I will state what it is I really want, outline the not-so-good things I know I did, and suggest (note the word suggest) the gift you can give instead.

Sound fair? All right. Here wha mi want yah now. Nutten too big, nutten too tremendously extravagant (I think).

So mi want a gaming system. Whether Xbox, Playstation, or Nintendo, mi nuh mind. But hear yah now, mi remember say mi never lose weight like mi did say mi was going to do.




In fact, mi all gain weight. Waist a get wide like the Michelin Man. So I will meet you halfway.

I will take a handheld game system in that case. In fact, that's fair because I don't have no flat-screen TV fi really enjoy the graphics anyway.

Next up, I want some Beats headphones. Yea man, mi love listen music when me a do di people dem work.

But then mi remember the incident where mi did haffi tell di bus driver some choice words when him cuss mi off unnecessarily inna Cross Roads.

But in my defence, Santa, di man say mi did "fi move mi ol' car out a road". Him rude!

My nice nice vehicle him a come call ol'? When di bus him a drive older than dinosaur? And a probably not even fi him?

So mi did haffi tell him something back. So if because of that mi can't get the Beats headphones, I will work with a less popular brand.

Speaking of popular brand, I wouldn't mind a new cell phone. Samsung Note 8 too expensive, and don't get me started on the iPhone X.

So me will settle for a nice little S7 Edge or a iPhone 7 (yes, di two 7s clash).

Yuh see di iPhone 8 nuh really all dat different from the 7 and the S8 kinda big fi me, so mi will work wid either of di 7 dem.

But mi know seh you a go memba say mi did lose mi temper di time when mi did think the WiFi did a work so me lose whole heap a data offa mi phone.

So me wi compromise again. Mi might tek a iPhone 6 or a Note 5. Meet me halfway.

By the way Santa, how you have so much information pon everybody?

No man, your contacts and sources know more than the FBI, CIA, Interpol and Mossad put together.

If this gift delivery business a get too hectic fi yuh, and/or if the North Pole weather nah gree wid yuh bronchitis, Jamaica could always use a man like you fi help solve crime.

Seriously though, Santa. Mi know me neva move so right inna 2017, but see wha yuh can do fi me nuh? Please? We wi talk.

- Link me at