Gordon Robinson | The grass is always greener

Last night, I dreamed Haemorrhoid was still living in Jamaica and watching us play dominoes.

By now, regular readers know Ernest H. Flower (aka ‘Haemorrhoid’). I met him over 40 years ago when he was still an Articled Clerk (now a successful lawyer) about whom it could easily be said work would never kill him. He constantly complained about “piles and piles” of files on his desk. His laissez-faire work ethic, together with his middle initial, naturally inspired his nickname. Although dominoes weren’t his bag, he reveled in the captive audience our games provided for his always tedious but usually hilarious Shaggy Dog Tales. So he was an ever-present kibitzer anxious to pounce.

This time, he interrupted Gene Autry’s lecture about the benefits of ‘double-six pose’ over ‘winners pose’ with a story about greener grass.

“A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian!’

Passenger: Who?

Cabbie: Brian Albright. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Albright every single time.

Passenger: There are always a few clouds over everybody.

Cabbie: Not Brian Albright. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Albright, he could do everything right.

Passenger: Wow. Some guy.

Cabbie: He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Albright.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m married to his widow!”

I remembered Haemorrhoid’s story when I saw clips of Mark Golding, in Little Bay, drumming up future votes from squatters (practitioners of a national scourge) by calling on Government to use its authority as a squatters’ crutch.

MEALY-MOUTHED PLATITUDES

I’m familiar with too many ‘squatter settlements’ island wide, but especially in the North and West where lands are ‘occupied’; large concrete structures, often environmentally unfriendly, are erected (thus disqualifying the squatters from inclusion in ‘poor’ or ‘disadvantaged’ categories); then, when di owner fi the land come fi him property, loud noises and political entreaties fill media spaces. Politicians, usually from Opposition benches, come running with mealy-mouthed platitudes.

Gleaner reported Golding’s plaintive wail on behalf of the squatters thusly:

“The PNP notes that the Local Improvements (Community Amenities) Act empowers the Minister of Housing (an office now held by the Prime Minister himself) to declare specified land to be absent of orderly development, which thereby freezes all evictions and new tenancies while a development plan for the land is prepared.”

Freeze. All. Evictions? Really? Seriously? THEN WHAT? Isn’t it amazing how wonderful these powers can sound; how quick politicians, currently without these powers, are to advocate using them against property owners; and how ignored the powers were when these politicians had them?

Peace and Love!

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.