Gordon Robinson | Drill, baby, drill!

I can’t help remembering late, great game show host Bob Barker.

Based on recent utterances, Alfred Dawes could’ve done with lessons from Bob. I know a defamation lawsuit is in progress. I make no comment on those issues. I’m concerned solely with math.

Remember Haemorrhoid whose nickname came from his constant complaints about “piles and piles” of files on his desk? Bob would’ve enjoyed his agonising shaggy dog tale told after The Dunce’s repeated miscounting of hands explained away with “if a macca mek it jook yu!”

A Los Angeles woman brought a very limp duck to a Vet. She laid her pet on the table. The Vet used his stethoscope to listen to the bird’s chest. Then he shook his head and said, “I’m sorry. Your duck passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “You haven’t done any testing or anything.”

The Vet rolled his eyes and left the room. He returned with a black Labrador Retriever. To the woman’s amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck up and down. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The Vet patted the dog and took it away. A minute later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also thoroughly sniffed the bird. The cat sat on its haunches, shook its head; meowed softly; strolled from the room.

The Vet said to the woman “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

He turned on his computer; hit a few keys; produced a bill and handed it over. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would’ve been $20, but, with the Lab Report and Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

On May 20, at a press conference, Dawes announced he had EVIDENCE that a new neurosurgical drill purchased by South-Eastern Regional Health Authority (SERHA) for J$31.5 million could’ve been procured for much less.

He said: “In November last year just before the drill was purchased by SERHA for Bustamante Hospital for Children for J$31.5 million two drills of the same type, EM200, same manufacturer, same specifications, same model number were brought in by the company that won the bid….”

What excitement! A company in the business of selling medical supplies imported medical supplies. Hold the presses! BREAKING NEWS!!

Dawes continued: “On the customs declaration forms accompanied by an invoice from the manufacturers we see they were not new drills. They were refurbished drills….”

OMG! The same company also imports refurbished medical equipment. Ethelred (oops, sorry, Alfred) says it imported TWO refurbished drills. Well, whoop-di-doo! He drilled down into the refurbished imports:

“… with a purchase price of US$1,600. They paid J$90,000 customs fees bringing the grand total landed in Jamaica nowhere close to $31.5 million but J$250,000”

What’s it all about Alfie? Your research uncovered that a medical supplier imported two refurbished drills. But why say one of them was sold to SERHA for J$31.5 million? SERHA bought a new drill. When will the penny drop?

It didn’t take long.

On May 23 Alfred Dawes spoke to RJR:

“We are aware of the exact brand….Medtronic EM800 neurosurgical drill. We just found out that that’s the brand that was supplied and anyone can do a quick Google search and realise this machine is about a $3-5 million machine.”

C’Mon Freddie, which is it? Model EM200 or EM800? How much should it cost, J$250,000 or J$3-5 million? You went on with RJR: “ But someone determined that a fair value for that drill was $32 million. That’s where the entire process was breached because there’s no one with any fiscal sense who can say that $32 million for a drill, where you can find a quick Google search showing that it’s $5 million, makes sense.”

Sounds like a chap who’d proudly boast “I don’t always contradict myself. But, when I do, I don’t.”

What exactly are you saying Alfred? What did the drill cost? You said you had EVIDENCE of $250,000. When your EVIDENCE turned out to be illusionary, you found new evidence this time on Google.

Really? Seriously?

Tell you what Alfred. Here’s what you should do. First, get the price right. Then try funding your purchase of a similar drill to the one SERHA actually bought. Donate it to your favourite hospital. Show us invoice and customs declaration. THEN I might give a flying fig about your political ravings. Until then I say to Bustamante Hospital drill, baby, drill. Our children need it.

Peace and Love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com