Michael Abrahams | Trauma and relationships

Trauma is an emotional response to a stressful event. These events include not only childhood traumas such as abuse, neglect, exposure to dysfunction in the home and community, bullying, accidents, natural disasters and armed conflicts, but also similar traumas experienced in adulthood, including physical and sexual assaults.

The psychological response to trauma can give rise to adverse mental sequelae in adulthood, such as anger management issues, psychosexual dysfunction, dissociation (disconnection from thoughts, feelings, memories and sense of identity), alexithymia (impairment of recognition and description of one’s emotional states) and mental disorders such as anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder (BPD).

These psychological outcomes have the potential to alter emotional regulation, thereby affecting our interpersonal skills and the way we interact with others. It should, therefore, come as no surprise that trauma can affect our relationships. In fact, the American Psychological Association (APA) notes that one of the long-term effects of trauma is strained relationships.

When faced with stressors we perceive as threats to our well-being or survival, we react via fight, flight, freeze, fawn or flop responses. ‘Fight’ refers to confronting threats head-on, ‘flight’ to evading threats, ‘freeze’ to becoming immobilised due to fear, ‘fawn’ to complying with threats by being overly agreeable or submissive to avoid further harm, and ‘flop’ to becoming unresponsive or ‘playing dead’ to minimise pain.

By causing emotional dysregulation, trauma may lead to exaggerated versions of the abovementioned responses. For example, some trauma survivors are in a constant state of hyperarousal, being hypervigilant, always expecting to be faced with some threat and might be, therefore, easily triggered. This is why some people, at the first sign of perceived issues in relationships overreact. Abandonment in childhood, for instance, can cause severe trust issues manifested by jealousy, insecurity, paranoia and being clingy, controlling or overly dependent.

NOT UNCOMMON

Anger management issues are not uncommon in persons who have been scarred by childhood trauma. Some trauma survivors have been hurt so badly they are perpetually angry and have short fuses, hitting out at the slightest provocation, verbally or physically, even when no real threat exists.

On the other hand, some survivors will make a hasty exit at the first sign of perceived betrayal or conflict, avoiding confrontation and, abruptly ending relationships and ghosting and blocking without explanation. Some may react in this manner if they realise they have developed deep feelings and an attachment to another person, executing a sort of ‘pre-emptive strike’ in case that person decides to leave them, choosing to break a heart rather than risk their own being broken. So-called ‘commitment issues’ also often result from trauma.

Some trauma survivors experience hypoarousal, becoming detached, numb or unresponsive when faced with conflict. After all, if you are numb you cannot feel pain. Hyper-independence is another trait that can result from trauma, as this type of behaviour minimises the risk of being let down or disappointed. For some survivors, specific actions such as someone raising their voice or their hand at them or teasing or criticising them may trigger exaggerated responses ranging from physical violence to literally running away. Some have such low self-esteem they believe they are unworthy of being in a loving, nurturing or stable relationship, so even when they find one, they will knowingly or unknowingly sabotage it. Narcissism can also be a trauma response, developed as a coping mechanism, an overcompensation for dealing with neglect, excessive criticism and lack of validation. For some survivors, chaos is all they know, leading them to choose or stay with partners in abusive or dysfunctional situations. Trauma survivors are also prone to substance abuse, which can strain relationships.

CONSEQUENCES VARY

Regarding survivors of sexual assault, the consequences and behaviours vary. Some become promiscuous, while others may avoid sexual contact. Even if they engage, some survivors will report aversion to certain aspects of intimacy such as kissing or being touched on the genitalia. Somatisation (physical manifestations of stress) can also interfere with sexual and other bodily functions. For example, female survivors of sexual abuse are at an increased risk of experiencing chronic pelvic pain, painful intercourse and persistent or recurrent vaginal discharge, even when investigations reveal no physical cause for these maladies.

Trauma can, therefore, lead to a host of communication, boundary and intimacy issues in relationships, and repeated unhealthy relationship patterns are not uncommon in survivors of severe or prolonged trauma. Difficulty forming or maintaining healthy relationships is a challenge for many.

However, the importance of maintaining healthy relationships cannot be overstated. Meaningful relationships contribute to our quality of life, health and longevity. It is, therefore, essential to manage the dysfunctional behaviours that result from our traumas. Managing them will not only contribute to our health and happiness but also to the well-being of our partners, children, families, neighbours and co-workers who are at risk of becoming collateral damage. Healthy families contribute to healthy communities, which in turn contribute to healthy societies. Therefore, seeking help and managing our traumas will be beneficial to us all.

Michael Abrahams is an obstetrician and gynaecologist, social commentator, and human-rights advocate. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and michabe_1999@hotmail.com, or follow him on X , formerly Twitter, @mikeyabrahams