Tony Deyal | Raging, paging and ageing for Christmas

At 80-plus years, my memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Not remembering what I’m saying makes me, like Winston Churchill, the British statesman, to meet my maker. As Churchill said, and I feel the same way, whether my maker is prepared for the ordeal of an old man who can’t remember what he said before, that is another matter or matters.

When I was 59, they said I was “middle aged”. This means that, despite being 80 plus, I must reach 118 years old to be “full”. I’m not sure I can make that. It is true, as the American humourist Mark Twain says, “When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign that you’re getting old.” I don’t need Twain. These days, my back goes out more than I do. Like Spike Milligan, who is an Anglo-Irish, this Trini-Irish has the body of an 18-year-old which he keeps in the fridge. The problem, though, like mine, the young person in me keeps wondering what the hell happened!

These days have gone beyond middle age, not just here in Trinidad but wherever I’ve been. I’ve met so many people that everyone I see reminds me of somebody else, and that creates problems, especially apologising. One of my American friends who is about my age told me, “Listen, Tony. Just tell them that you’re not old. You’ve been young for an exceptionally long time.” I prefer what the great comedian, ‘Groucho’ Marx prefers, “I intent to live forever or die trying.”

The well-known women see it differently. The great Phillis Diller, the comedian, had a plan, “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” Betty White, also an American comedian, took it from a different level and said, “The Internet won’t help me keep up with old friends. At my age, I need a Ouija board.” In other words, she will go for the “spirit” flat board with letters, numbers and “yes/no” to spell messages. Bette Davis, one of the greatest American actresses, put it bluntly, “Old age ain’t no place for sissies.”

Even tougher was Mae West, the singer and comedian, who made it clear, “When I said, ‘I do’ I didn’t mean dishes and laundry.” The great English author, Agatha Christie, known for 66 detective novels, had her own view, “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” But not all the ladies saw it from that perspective. In fact, one of the ladies made it clear (and got considerable support from others), “A husband is what is left of the lover after the never has been extracted.” But, worse than seeing us as done (and totally finished as men) was a comment by Irina Dunn, an Australian social activist, who told us straight, “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” As one of my friends said, “Boy when you reach this level, you not only done, but you also done finish.”

Tough jokes

Both older women and oldest men get tough jokes like “haul your age!” While I say, “I don’t mind getting old, it’s just come at a bad time,” the ladies looking in the mirrors say, “Oh, hell. No. That can’t be right?” In which case I heard one tell another, “Go braless. It will pull the wrinkles out of your face.” One of my friends told me, “Tony, as you walk through life, take everything in your stride and trample on anyone who gets in your way, including your partner - man or woman.” I see and say it differently. When you have a wife, or your wife has you, neither of you should break someone’s hear. They only have one. Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them. In that way, you will also learn that only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time. In one sense, happiness is when you marry someone for love and then you find out later that they’re beyond rich and have wealth beyond imagination. In terms of the others, as Bill Maher, the political commentator and actor, feels, “There’s a name for someone who is always wrong all the time - the ‘husband’.” As we say, “No joke nah! You better believe it!”

You must also know and understand that, when it comes to old age, we are not even close to similar. One of my Jamaican friends boasted that wine certainly improves him with age, in that, the older he gets, the more he likes it. Another friend responded, “Tony, becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I ever did. First, growing old doesn’t take as much time as you think, and, as you get older, you need more repairs and replacements. That means you must pay a lot for everything. Worse, when I was young, I was easy. Then, as I got old, my systems all went to pieces. My neck, my back, my knees, and every other part really. What it means is that, even though my income is fixed, I am totally broke.”

Own experience

Thinking about him and others going through the same pains and payments, I see the future in which an old man like me is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you’re on board, there’s nothing you can do about it. While I hear that you don’t stop having fun when you get old, I know from my own experience that you get old when you stop having fun. In other words, you would not be ageing so much as marinating. In my case, I want to die young as late as possible. Unfortunately, at 80 plus, even though I’ve still got it, nobody wants to see it. If any of them asks, I tell them that I’m not old but very young for an exceedingly long time. But then I had to stop that response because deep inside I know that, like me, you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

Considerable stupid

There are other comments and advice that are useful. I was told that one day my life will flash before my eyes and I should make sure it’s worth watching. I did considerable stupid stuff growing up. I just do a little slower now. I used to go out at night and sometimes didn’t return home until the morning. Now I wonder how I did that and learnt the only way is by learning, listening, and reaching the heavens. It is why I am ending Christmas with the Home Instead Senior Care, Ms. Mary Maxwell, “Blessed are they who looked away when I spilled coffee at table today. Blessed are they with a cherry smile who take the time to chat for a while. Blessed are they who know the ways to bring back memories of yesterdays. Blessed are they who make it know I’m loved, respected and not alone. Just like you, to us, it’s personal. Bless them all and, at the end of the evening, please help me find my car in the parking lot. Amen.”

Tony Deyal says that old age is all in the mind. The hard part is keeping it from creeping all the way down into your belly and other parts of your body. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com