Lee Townsend | When menopause enters the marriage: Why Jamaican couples must start talking

Menopause has long been treated in Jamaican households as a private matter for women to navigate on their own. The expectation to endure without complaint may preserve appearances, but it does little to preserve intimacy. When change is not named, misunderstanding takes its place.

Guidance from the Ministry of Health and Wellness Jamaica, and regional commentary from the Caribbean Public Health Agency continue to note that women of African heritage frequently report more intense menopausal symptoms, including hot flushes, sleep disruption and mood changes.

International evidence from the Study of Women’s Health Across the Nation, supported by the National Institute on Ageing in the United States, has also indicated that Black women may experience the transition earlier and, in many cases, for longer than their White counterparts.

Respected Jamaican gynaecologist Dr Verna Brooks McKenzie has consistently emphasised the importance of more open and informed conversations around menopause in the Caribbean, noting that many women still navigate this stage of life with limited discussion and support within their homes and communities.

When these changes begin, they do not stay confined to the individual. They enter the relationship.

One husband described the shift in a way that will sound familiar in many homes: “I used to reach for her, and that was a normal ting. These days, sometimes she move away or tells me she is either too hot or too tired. Mi nah lie, at first mi never understand what was going on. You start fi wonder if somethings changed between the two ah you. As a man, you not always going to say it out loud, but closeness still matters. Sometimes she doesn’t realise that a man still needs certain likkle tings to feel connected.”

His words are measured rather than emotional, but the message is clear. For many men, physical closeness is part of how connection is maintained in a long-term relationship.

When that pattern changes suddenly, confusion can set in quickly.

The truth is, most men do not really know what menopause involves. We think we do and often convince ourselves that it is simply about hot flushes. We may have heard about hormones, but beyond that, our understanding thins quickly.

BRAIN FOG

What many fail to grasp is the brain fog that makes simple tasks feel far more onerous than they should; the broken sleep that leaves women exhausted before the day even begins; or the way their bodies can feel overstimulated when they once felt settled. So when a wife seems withdrawn or less physically affectionate, it is not unusual for a man to take that personally.

He may not say it outright, but he feels it. Instead of asking what is happening physiologically, he begins telling himself a story about what is happening relationally. By the time the conversation finally takes place, both people are reacting to narratives that were never fully accurate. And because ignorance around the topic remains common, consulting other men for support often reinforces misconceptions rather than correcting them.

His wife later explained that her body had been feeling constantly overheated, that her sleep was unsettled, and that at times even simple physical contact could feel uncomfortable rather than comforting. She was not trying to create distance. She was responding to symptoms she herself was still learning to understand.

Even with that explanation, adjustment did not happen overnight. They had to revisit the conversation more than once, sometimes calmly and sometimes with frustration, as both of them worked to separate assumption from reality.

When intimacy becomes elusive or consistently absent over time, it can place a quiet, undeniable strain on even the most stable relationships. That strain rarely announces itself in dramatic fashion. It shows up in hesitation, in small misunderstandings, in moments where both people are trying to interpret signals that no longer feel as clear as they once did. For some men, physical closeness is part of how they wind down and feel reassured that the relationship remains solid.

For women navigating perimenopause or menopause, that same closeness can sometimes seem overwhelming when the body is already restless or overheated. When neither side speaks plainly, distance can grow faster than either partner expects.

Within Jamaican culture, women have long been expected to endure discomfort without complaint, while men have often been conditioned to interpret physical distance as emotional distance. When menopause enters that dynamic without open discussion, both partners can find themselves unsettled in ways that are difficult to explain. The strain that follows is not evidence of failing love but of unstated change. We have allowed silence to do more damage than menopause ever could in and of itself.

The absence or alteration of intimacy can challenge even strong relationships, and acknowledging that reality does not diminish the legitimacy of menopausal symptoms. It simply recognises that relationships are shared spaces in which both people are affected when the body goes through significant change. A man who notices the distance is not wrong to feel the shift, and a woman whose body feels unpredictable is not rejecting her partner. The work lies in addressing the change directly rather than allowing quiet assumptions to take hold.

Menopause is not a disruption to be managed quietly. It is a shift that deserves attention within our homes and our communities. If we continue to treat it as something women must endure alone, relationships will continue to absorb unnecessary strain. If we choose to talk about it openly and meet it with understanding, we give ourselves a better chance of protecting the closeness that brought us together in the first place.

- Lee Townsend is a Jamaican-trained former guidance counsellor and currently works in community engagement and mental health advocacy in the United Kingdom, focusing on awareness, prevention and culturally appropriate support. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com