Orville Taylor | Mothers’ every day

 “You're what I celebrate, You're like a never ending holiday. You're my forever special occasion.”

Dorothy Moore, sang that almost 50 years ago; two years after the UN dedicated 1975 as International Women’s Year. Sunday May 11, that year was special and unable to purchase a gift for my mother, I made her a card.

Each year since, it has been a red letter Sunday, eventually incorporating sisters, other relatives, girlfriends, colleagues and spouse.

Yet, as we continue to celebrate women, there is always something weird and areas of discomfort. Because of our matrifocality, Mother’s Day is a big thing. All kinds of merchandise are on sale. Discounts, and special events are also on. ‘To Mothers with Love’ and other similarly named concerts, put mothers on a pedestal for one day.

Or is that so? Just a month later, we will have Father’s Day, and bet you, that as usual, it will fizzle, or as we say in Jamaica, “It tush!” Father’s Day is not such a big deal.

But my first peeve is that the role of a mother and her celebration is far too significant to simply single out a day.  Loving and honouring mothers is not an event, but a lifelong process, even after her death.

Respecting and reverencing one’s mother is not negotiable Neither is it dependent on her conduct. True, there are far more bad mothers in this country than we admit.  Believe it or not, despite the narrative regarding absent fathers, the research and data indicate that abusive mothering is a far stronger cause of violent and homicidal behaviour, than any other variable.

Similarly, proper mothering, a balance between strong discipline and nurturing are the absolutely best guarantee that our youngsters, especially boys, stay on the narrow and straight.

Good mothers make a nation. Even as I wrote the previous sentence, flashbacks of Miss Ivy, looking out for many in the garrison, cooking big pot on Sundays, sneaking dollars to others to go to work, get a job or to buy a pair of shoes.

Her general caring attitude to the community, including the ‘hot heads’ gave her standing, where she once ordered a shooter, running with an AK47, to go back over the wall. He slinked in retreat, without hitching.

Now, the respect to mothers is irrevocable and unfortunately, some people with peripheral understanding of the Bible or who clearly miss the boat, believe that it has an expiration date or can be subverted with change in marital status.

Yes, Jesus is cited in the King James’ Version as saying “For God commanded, saying, ‘Honour your father and your mother’; and, ‘He who curses father or mother, let him die the death.”

While it is uncertain if he was reinforcing the repressive Old Testament laws, which prescribed death sentence for the offence or rather, as Paul later said, it was simply a natural reciprocal consequence of having a long life, due to this commandment, it is clear that it was binding.

Nothing later said by Jesus in the same book, obviates or negates this obligation. Therefore, when he stated, “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?”, few recognise that it is a question, and not a command.

The point is, where a man becomes a husband, he joins with a wife. However, his obligation as a son remains. Thus, his wife, as ‘one flesh’ must help him in fulfilling his primary covenant in being a good son.

Failing as a son in order to succeed as a husband is not a choice. A good wife or husband helps one’s spouse to be or continue to be a good offspring.  Here, I celebrate my own good fortune as loving my own mother became a joint endeavour.

One should never feel that it is a choice between one’s mother and one’s wife. In traditional African and biblical families, maternal approval and is a sine qua non and a prerequisite for most marriages, and oftentimes, she becomes a daughter in the clan, under the guidance of the matriarch or queen mother; never an upstart who displaces her.

Now, that apart, the gender dynamics of mother/son and father/daughter relationships are very different.  Husbands almost never feel brave enough to ‘tough talk’ a father, but a wife sometimes misses the red line.

But, that is only one side of the dynamic. Despite narratives about gender marginalisation, oftentimes by foreign advocates, the issues relating to gender inequality are really not what they are typified as.

Mother’s Day bias apart, women can get away with things which would be unthinkable for men. For example, single men have greater difficulty in adopting other people’s children, or even getting custody of their own, even where they have slightly more ‘points’.

Other non-structural but deeply cultural fissures have to do with normalised comments and ideas.  A single mother living with her unmarried son can seemingly joking say that she is going to wash her ‘husband’s’ clothes or cook his food. A nanny or babysitter can comfortably call the male child her ‘little man’ or some endearing term.

It is not unusual for a woman to look at a cute little infant boy and playfully say that she is waiting for him when he grows up, and nothing untoward is considered.

How many times a woman looks at a naked male child and makes playful comments about his genitalia? It is almost never seen as inappropriate, not to mention a mother kissing her son in his lips.

But, such is life. Never mind the gender privileging, I am comfortable with the inequity, because mothers hold societies together every day.

Blessed Mother’s Day.

Orville Taylor is senior lecturer at Department of Sociology at The University of the West Indies, a radio talk-show host, and author of ‘Broken Promises, Hearts and Pockets’. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and tayloronblackline@hotmail.com