Ashleigh Onfroy | Stop handing children the blade: Towards emotionally intelligent parenting

Too many Jamaicans may recall hearing the chilling phrase, “Always remember I have the handle, and you have the blade.” At first, it commands fear and obedience. But with age and reflection, one begins to question the message it gives. Why should a child’s earliest lessons about love and safety be rooted in threat and control?

This saying encapsulates the emotional injuries that often define parent-child relationships in Jamaica. While rooted in culture and tradition, these expressions, passed down through generations, also reflect problematic societal norms. These ‘old norms’, however, are creating new problems. Unfortunately, they characterise Jamaican parenting, often to the detriment of the emotional health of children.

Undoubtedly, Jamaican parenting is influenced by cultural values that emphasise discipline, respect, and obedience. These values have helped families survive economic and social challenges. While these values are important, too often, they are enforced through harsh and harmful practices such as: shame – like telling a child, “Yuh ugly like ...”; corporal punishment – beating administered as a form of control; emotional manipulation –“If yuh did love me, yuh would stay more like yuh big sister”; and public belittling – for the whole community to witness parental power.

Such approaches, rather than cultivating confident and resilient children, often lead to long-lasting psychological harm, low self-esteem, anxiety, poor academic performance, and a lack of social resilience.

HISTORY THAT STILL HURTS

Much of this parenting culture can be traced back to the colonial legacy of enslavement. Under British rule, African families were denied the right to raise their children with tenderness or autonomy. Survival meant teaching children to be silent, unquestioning, fearful, and compliant – to avoid brutal punishment and to stay alive in a cruel system. Parents, stripped of their own humanity, sometimes mimicked the brutality of the enslavers in a desperate attempt to prepare their children for the same oppression.

Today, those inherited behaviours echo in many Jamaican households. When a parent demands unquestioning obedience, lashes out in anger, or withholds emotional or financial support, they may unknowingly be replicating a system built on dominance and not love.

COST OF CONTROL

Shame-based discipline, corporal punishment, and emotional repression are often rationalized as tools for raising well-behaved children. But research tells a different story. According to the British Medical Journal, repeated exposure to psychologically harmful parenting can impair a child’s intellectual development, lower IQ, and lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, insensitivity, and misplaced anger. Children raised in such environments may become adults who either fear relationships or accept and perpetuate physical and emotional abuse as normal.

If we are to build a society that is emotionally healthy, socially just, and intellectually strong, we must first examine how we raise our children – and whether our methods are truly serving them and how they show up in society.

STOP OFFERING THE BLADE

Many parents are doing their best, with the knowledge they have. This conversation is not about blame. It is about healing and breaking cycles. The ancestors did what they had to do in an inhumane and brutal system. But survival parenting cannot be the standard for future generations. Today, love can look like listening, validating, and showing up calmly in moments of chaos.

Parents must reflect on their own childhood, whether it was filled with fear or affection. Did it empower or did it leave emotional scars? If the answer is the latter, then parents should choose differently for their children. Give them the safety, support, and space to grow emotionally. Discipline does not have to come through pain. It can come through consistent boundaries, patient communication, and mutual respect.

Support systems matter. When parenting feels overwhelming – and it often does – reach out to a friend, family member, or professional. More parenting groups, books, workshops, and digital resources are available than ever before in our country. The Government, social and religious groups, and the United Nations, through UNICEF, offer a few. The strong, caring parent who wants the best for their child asks for help.

Remember, regardless of their size, children are people, too. Children deserve to be seen and heard. Listening to them, validating their feelings, and guiding them with empathy does not make a parent weak. It makes them emotionally intelligent. It makes them strong.

NEW WAY FORWARD

One effect of poor parenting is maladjusted adults. Frankly put, healthy, emotionally intelligent, and effective parenting is necessary for a safer Jamaican society. Being emotionally intelligent means knowing how to manage anger without harm, how to discipline without shame, and how to model compassion without losing authority. Let’s be willing to unlearn ineffective patterns and learn new ones for the good of our children and society.

Let us stop handing our children the blade of generational trauma and instead use the handle of wisdom to break cycles of pain. The nation’s strength lies not in our ability to command obedience, but in the collective capacity to raise children who are whole, courageous, and emotionally balanced. Note – collective capacity – it still takes a village to raise whole children. Parenting begins at home, but their care and nurturing continue in their schools, communities, and religious spaces. All must rise to the task of supporting parents and their children.

Yes, we are a society marked by historical pain – but healing is possible. And it begins at home. The future of Jamaica’s children begins with their parents. This country has long been known for its resilience, creativity, grit, and bold spirit. It is important to raise a generation that knows discipline and compassion, embraces structure and empathy. Imagine how much stronger Jamaica would be if every child grew up not only being respectful and responsible but also emotionally whole.

Ashleigh Onfroy is a social researcher and member of the United Nations-European Union Youth Advisory Group. The views expressed have not been endorsed by and may not reflect the views of the United Nations or European Union. Send feedback to ashleighconfroy@gmail.com