Dennis Minott | Meal plans for political mastodons in the US and Jamaica

From golden pancakes of denial to scandal stew with titty-bread rolls, our leaders are dining on delusion — and they are bloated with taxpayer gravy.

BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

What does a typical day look like in the belly of a political mastodon? Whether stomping about in Washington or snorting through the corridors of Gordon House, these lumbering beasts of governance rise early — to gorge on privilege, wash down hypocrisy, and belch platitudes before midday.

American Serving: The Trump Tower spread

Golden pancakes of denial – Drenched in vintage 1950s syrup, served warm with whipped nostalgia.

Bacon of cronyism – Crisped under classified heat lamps, presented on encrypted signal plates.

Scrambled Truth Social – Lightly seasoned with “alternative facts”, fried deeply in Fox News castor oil.

Evangelical smoothie – A potent blend of prosperity gospel, gun rights, Huckabee diples and Supreme Court justices, whizzed into a frothy-perfect delusion.

Jamaican Serving: The Gordon House Deluxe

Ackee and saltfish memory wipe – One bite, and all recollection of campaign promises evaporates.

Flaky parliamentary chicken patties – Every bite delivers a fresh, hot, mouth-watering excuse.

Integrity egg (hard-boiled) – Half the yolk missing but still proudly served.

Ganja-cerasee tea of constituency worship – Rich, sweet, and steeped in borrowed funds. Best sipped with a full-length Chinese cinnamon stick and mauby bark.

MIDDAY MAYHEM – LUNCH FIT FOR THE ONE-DON

Lunch is when the mastodon feasts on the flesh of governance. The troughs are deep. The scruples, sprinkled sparse.

US platter: Mar-a-Lardo’s special

Soup of sedition – Thickened with shredded Constitution, garnished with pungent bursts of pepper spray decocted for lawmen’s eyes.

Burger of blame – Topped with pickled protesters, grilled media, and legal immunity sauce.

Fillet of excuses – Marinated alongside “guard beef” California steaks. Servi avec NDA glacé à la vinaigrette – to be noice, (Served with ICEd NDA vinaigrette – to be brutish).

Jamaican Platter: Ministry Mess Special

Oxtail of office – Braised in Warmington garrison gravy, quick-stewed in campaign fuel.

Budget rice and mackerel run-down – Cooked once, to be served thrice, rarely audited in three days.

Missing-mutton curry goat – Tender cuts, cooked in vapour ware to melt like finger licking turn cornmeal, pay-me, or cou-cou from Bim out East.

Editor’s tears – Served chilled as bissap-sorrel over crushed transparency.

SNACKS – BITE-SIZED CORRUPTION

Never let a mastodon go hungry.

US:

X biscuits – Sharp-edged, dry, and often cause indigestion.

NRA trail mix – Lead-heavy with cashew-shaped loopholes.

Donor popcorn – Buttery with campaign cash, munched in silence by musky enablers and billioneerers.

Jamaica:

Ganja blame cakes – Spicy, seasoned with MoBay deflection.

UWI callaloo chips – Overcooked until bitter, served with a “well, everybody does it” dip.

Special prosecutor pretzels – Twisted, fishy, stale, and indigestible. Best paired with True-True Rio Cobre Juice.

DINNER – THE MAIN FEED

Dinner is sacred. It is when democracy gets carved up — garnished with ceremony, masked with laborious platitudes.

US edition:

Double-impeachment roast – Barely ‘touched’. Legal gravy pooled on the side.

Judiciary casserole – Baked under pressure, served with conservative breadcrumbs.

Egg custard of appeasement – Baked by Mel and Anka, iced with executive privilege.

Jamaica edition:

Scandal stew – Prepared in Julie’s secret kitchens. Ingredients: one contract, 28 ghost firms, and a whisper of wire transfers.

Callaloo of cover-ups – Slimy, and ‘touched’, yet satisfying. Pairs beautifully with a homemade titty-bread roll.

Sunday dinner contracts – Always lukewarm and served after elections, never before.

LATE-NIGHT MUNCHIES – FOR WHEN REMORSE NIBBLES BRAIN

US:

Marshmallow regret – Soft, sweet, and melts under scrutiny.

Protein shake of presidential pardon – For the legally encumbered and morally unmoored.

Jamaica:

Norwich breadfruit of amnesia – Best consumed before press conferences and commissions of inquiry.

Rum Cream of retired accountability – Served by Chang-Campbells who “remember nothing” after strange, late-night sno-cones.

CHEF’S NOTE:

All mastodon meals are

Rich in ego.

Free from transparency.

Fortified with taxpayer funds.

Heavily processed by Chang-Campbell-certified mash-dung machines.

WARNING:

This diet may cause bloating, arrogance, selective memory, intolerance to scrutiny, and allergic reactions to auditor Ggeneral and IC reports. (Forget the now-blasted FID, for Chung’s sake.)

RECOMMENDED ANTIDOTES:

A balanced diet of civic engagement

Fibre-rich journalism

Doses of investigative satire

Periodic fasting from blind loyalty and Don Anderson-bashing

Mastodon dem nyam off di budget like Sunday curried goat. Dem nyam out hope, nyam out trust, nyam di same pickney future dem pretend fi defend. And yet still, dem belly cyaah done! Early mawning dem rise wid prayer pon lip and pocket pickins inna heart.

Yuh ever si lie mek nice like oxtail pon a Thursday? Dem cook up whole heap a “pilot project” fi nyam consultancy and Far East junket mutton — well tender, boneless, and padded wid per diem.

But hear wha di Word seh:

“Woe to those who devise iniquity and work evil upon their beds! When the morning is light, they practice it …” (Micah 2:1)

And again, consider:

“Thou shalt not muzzle the ox when he treadeth out the corn.” (Deuteronomy 25:4)

— But dem yah mastodon well-muzzled di people, trumple the harvest, and billioneer every last grain.

Still, di fire bun low inna wi belly. We know seh one day Jah Jah judgment a go come pon di gravy train.

As Miss Lou woulda laugh and seh:

“Lang run, short ketch.”

An Bob done warn:

“Yuh cyan fool all a di people all di time.”

Coming soon: Meal plans for political mastodons in CARICOM – A culinary tour of insatiable appetites from Paramaribo, via Belmopan, to Nassau.

Dennis Minott, PhD, is the CEO of A-QuEST-FAIR. He is a multilingual green resources specialist, a research physicist, and a modest mathematician who worked in the oil and energy sector. Send feedback to a_quest57@yahoo.com or columns@gleanerjm.com.