Romance doesn’t always have to be grand

AP:

Doing something romantic for Valentine’s Day does not need to involve a heart-shaped box of chocolates, roses or an atypically expensive dinner, according to relationship experts. In fact, therapists encourage couples craving intimacy and a deeper connection to focus less on grand gestures and more on expressing love with mundane acts that recognise what matters to their partner.

Romance is not one size fits all. For some people, it means holding hands, opening a car door or drawing a bath for their lover. Others respond to receiving a hilarious text, coffee in bed or an offer to run a nagging errand. Either way, demonstrating kindness and care in small ways over time helps to support relationships as they evolve, says Traci Lee, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Dallas.

“The more that early on, you as a couple are able to establish good habits of whatever romance is going to look like for you, the better it is,” Lee said.

Couples counsellors and people in relationships share ideas for showing a romantic partner love throughout the year:

ROMANCE IS CONSTANTLY EVOLVING

Early in a relationship, it doesn’t take much to show romantic intentions, but that changes as couples learn more about each other as individuals, discover what their partner needs for emotional and physical well-being, and experience life together.

“Depending on what stage of the relationship you’re in, romance can mean different things,” Lee said. For example, couples with parenting and caregiving responsibilities have less time to devote to each other than they did during the honeymoon phases right after they started dating or got married.

Gabrielle Gambrell, who lives in New York with her husband of seven years and their two children, thinks romance “should be an evolution” and therefore takes work. One piece of advice she received before getting married stuck with her: Never stop dating.

“You keep romance alive by continuously dating,” Gambrell said. “No matter how busy or what happens in the world, me and my husband have a mandatory date night. And every single date night, we leave the date energised and happy and grateful, and reminded what means the most to us.”

TAKING THE PRESSURE OFF VALENTINE’S DAY

Valentine’s Day carries a heavy burden of social pressures, fantasies from movies and books, and individual desires and expectations that often go unexpressed. All can be managed with planning and communication.

“Some people will say, ‘If I have to tell my partner what to do, then it won’t be romantic.’ But I have to remind people that their partner is not a mind reader,” Lee said. “I try to blow up the myth that romance can only happen if it’s created spontaneously out of thin air.”

Gambrell, who describes herself as a planner by nature, says she typically starts asking her husband questions about their plans for February 14 days before.

Making assumptions about the best way to celebrate Valentine’s Day and comparisons with other couple’s relationships are likely to lead to disappointment, she said.

“Love is not perfect. Romance is not perfect. Relationships, there’s nothing perfect about them, but they are beautiful,” she said.

Clarence Smith IV, a 29-year-old middle school teacher and video content creator in Phoenix, remains a big believer in using traditional acts of chivalry to communicate respect and care for his girlfriend, such as positioning himself closer to the curb when they are walking together on a street.

“Romance today involves more seen gestures – let this be seen, let this be shown, let this be big,” Smith said, adding that in his dating experience some people see his gentlemanly behaviour as old-fashioned. “I do little things like that, and they’re looked at as superbly impactful. We don’t do this anymore. But to me, baby, this is basics.”

Some experts suggest creating traditions around holidays, anniversaries, or even weekends, while Lee notes that small, consistent gestures – like giving one rose a day instead of a dozen at once – show dedication and build a strong relationship foundation.