Ode to 'facetiness'

Gordon Robinson, Contributor

As life's journey brings me closer to my Maker, my torment from the younger generation's Americanisation of my native tongue increases exponentially.

Their latest insult to the language is the intemperate use of "feisty" when they really mean what Jamaican grandmothers knew as 'facety' ('facetious' to lovers of olde English). These words couldn't be more different.

Feisty (pronounced "fi-stee", as in "fee, fi, fo, fum") has positive connotations, meaning spirited, not easily cowed (even aggressive) whilst 'facety' is a front(al) affront. Take, for example, this exchange from old-time Jamaica:

"Grandmother: Bwoy, yu bring dat dutty footbottom inna mi house?

Grandson (puzzled): But, Granny, mi put on mi shoes.

Grandmother: Bwoy, yu facety eee? Ooo yu t'ink yu talking to?

Grandson: But Granny ...

Grandmother (interrupting): Bwoy, shut yu mout'. Don't talk when me talking. Cho, too facety!"

Feistybook sends your personal information around the world. Facetybook is the family album containing your naked baby photos your mother shows all visitors.

"All lined up in a wedding group

'ere we are for a photograph.

We're all dressed up in a morning suit

all trying hard not to laugh.

Since the early caveman in his fur

took a trip to Gretna Green,

there's always been a photographer

to record the 'appy scene ...

'Old it, flash, bang, wallop, what a picture

What a picture, what a photograph.

Poor old soul, blimey, what a joke,

hat blown off in a cloud of smoke. [chorus]

Clap 'ands, stamp yer feet.

Bang on the big bass drum - hey!

What a picture, what a picture

Rum-tiddly-um-pum-pum-pum-pum.

Stick it in your fam'ly album"

A facety talking snake interfered with Eden's bliss, convincing Eve to bite the apple. Feisty Eve persuaded Adam to follow suit:

"The same thing 'appened long ago

when man was in his prime

and what went on we only know

from the snaps he took at the time.

When Adam and Eve, in their birthday suit,

decided to get wed.

As Adam was about to taste the fruit,

the man with the cam'ra said ...

'Old it, flash, bang, wallop, what a picture

what a picture, what a photograph.

Poor old Eve, there with nothing on.

Face all red and 'er fig leaf gone.

[chorus]

Feisty Juliet rejected family plans for her happiness. Facety Romeo interfered with Capulet and Verona's family merger pact.

"You've read it in a folio,

or seen it in a Shakespeare play,

how Juliet fell for Romeo

in the merry, merry month of May.

And as 'e climbed the orchard wall

to reach 'is lady fair,

as he tumbled, she began to bawl,

as he floated through the air ...

'Old it, flash, bang, wallop, what a picture

what a picture, what a photograph.

Poor young chap, what a night 'e spent.

Tights all torn and 'is rapier bent.

[chorus]"

Feisty Catherine of Aragon fought King and Pope but facety Anne Boleyn lost more than face for intervening in marriage to provide marital 'bliss':

"King 'Enry the Eighth had several wives

including Anne Boleyn

and he kept an album of their lives

with all their photos in.

As Anne Boleyn was on her knees

dressed in her very best frock,

King 'Enry shouted, "Smile, Dear, please"

as 'er 'ead rolled off the block.....

'Old it, flash, bang, wallop, what a picture

what a picture, what a photograph.

Comes the print in a little while.

Lost 'er 'ead, but she kept 'er smile...

[chorus]"

Catherine, on the other hand, exiled to dank, unhealthy Kimbolton Castle, died of natural causes at the grand old age of 51.

The lyrics quoted (specially for Liz Bennett of Nationwide) are from 1963s London musical, Half a sixpence, in which Tommy Steele, a favourite of the British stage, made his smash Broadway debut. With music and lyrics by David Heneker, the play tells the story of Arthur Kipps, an orphan and apprentice draper, who became besotted by the aristocratic Helen Walsingham (She's Too Far Above Me) just at the lucky moment when he comes into real money (Proper Gentleman).

The brief infatuation temporarily dispossesses Ann, Arthur's childhood sweetheart, but, they're eventually married with all the pomp, ceremony and, of course, photographs (Flash, Bang, Wallop). Back then, before the world surrendered to telephones instantly transmitting embarrassing moments globally, we still had the thrill of posing, saying "cheese", then waiting for 'film' to be 'developed'.

The results were pasted in the family album, followed by obligatory showings to embarrass offspring. Now, Feistybook, My Farce, Tweety, Gargle and Bling rule.

Peace and Love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Feedback may be sent to columns@gleanerjm.com.