Should I divorce my boring husband?

 Dear Counsellor,

I have been in a bad marriage for the past six years. In fact, my husband and I are sleeping in separate beds, under the same roof. He was never a good provider. He would work seasonally in the construction sector. To be candid, he does not maintain our child. He rarely attends church with me or goes anywhere with me. We were miles apart. The best times and romantic moments are special occasions when he will make a little effort. It feels like he does not live with us anymore. The union produced a daughter.

He comes home when he feels like, though, to the best of my knowledge, he is not in an intimate relationship with anyone else. The few times when he sleeps with me in my bed feels good and breaks my loneliness. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because I am lonely. I get very lonely on holidays and when it rains. I need a little sunshine in my life. I want to divorce my husband. He has never kept a woman with me and he has never been physically abusive. It is more lack of attention. He has a lazy attitude. It is emotional abuse. To be truthful, we have little in common.

Looking back, I am not even sure why I married him. Even during the initial period when things were seemingly better, I was often lonely. Should I divorce my husband or continue living separate lives with a little sunshine now and then?

A: Obviously, your marriage is not meeting your emotional or physical needs because it has been intermittent. In addition, you are not satisfied with him as a provider for you or your daughter. You also have very little in common. It seems that you do really have a dysfunctional marriage.

Furthermore, you are lonely in the marriage, and have been for a long while. You should realise by now that loneliness is not about having company, and having a person around might not necessarily alleviate your loneliness. Being alone is also different from loneliness.

Therefore, it is possible to be alone and not lonely. Loneliness is a state of mind and an attitude. Loneliness stems from feeling isolated from any significant person. It is a repulsive feeling which you are having because of a sense of emptiness resulting from inadequate levels of social relationships. It seems that you have need for greater levels of interaction with your husband and other persons.

Perhaps, if you end the marriage and move on, you might find a better partner who meets your standards and would be happy with you. But you still need to change your attitude and remember that you might find a worse partner. Perhaps, you are equating your needs for sexual satisfaction with your need for companionship, hence your willingness to continue infrequently sleeping with your husband even while you are dissatisfied with him. However, the decision of whether to divorce is yours, though you might want to discuss it with your pastor or a confidential, competent and experienced friend.

You need to consider redirecting your energies to mothering your child. You can study, watch movies, and play games with your daughter. These activities might be meaningful and beneficial and help to lessen some of the loneliness.

In addition, you could use the time to develop and pursue your hobby. In fact, you could even turn a hobby into an income-generating project to help with the expenses associated with rearing your child, especially since her father is not playing that role. Also, consider joining a service club or getting more involved at your church. And remember, there are other persons who are feeling lonely like you and would be desirous of your company, which could be mutually beneficial.

Email editor@gleanerjm.com.